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the crackiest crack i've ever written

a few days ago, storyfan demanded asked that i write, and i quote:

A Torchwood fic in which:
1. Captain Jack says he's retiring to live under the sea.
2. He meets Ianto who is now in mermaid form.
3. They must sing together a la "The Little Mermaid," but instead of singing "Under the Sea" they sing "He's Under Me."
4. A teeter-totter must be involved in some way.

Captain Jack Harkness looked around the mess that was the Hub. Toshiko Sato was sprawled on the ground, writhing slightly with the nauseating aftereffects of the latest Torchwood Teeter-Totter Tournament. Gwen and Owen were in respective corners loudly and messily being sick onto the paperwork Jack had spent all morning writing up. All while the latest alien to attack the Hub made its escape in their favorite SUV and probably ruined the leather seats.

Fuck this shit, he thought. I'm not cleaning up this mess.

"I'm retiring," Jack announced over the sounds of heaving. "I'm going to go live on the bottom of the sea."

"Have a nice time," Tosh said weakly before rolling onto her side and throwing up on the Captain's favorite boots.

It was surprising easy to adjust to life under the water. Since he couldn't die, he couldn't drown, so all Jack had to do was chuck his clothing at the water's edge, dive in, and head downwards. Yes, it was cold and wet, but at least it didn't smell like puke.

Jack was surprised to find life at the bottom of the sea. Pretty green and shiny life in the form of a very attractive merman. "Well, hello, gorgeous," Jack said with his customary wink. With his mouth full of water, though, it sounded more like "Glugglugglug."

"Hello, sir," said the merman, who was used to talking underwater. "My name is Mer-Ianto. How may I be of service today?"

"You can service me any way you want," said Jack, and this time, it sounded more like words and less like drowning as he got used to talking with his mouth full. Not that he never talked with his mouth full, but it was harder to get the knack of it when the thing in his mouth was less solid than he was used to.

The merman rolled his eyes and straightened the seashell waistcoat he was wearing. He flicked his green tail in impatience. "Save it. Look, are we gonna fuck or what?"

"Baby, I'm Captain Jack. Of course we are!"

The rolled together on the sandy sea bottom, until Jack had Mer-Ianto pinned under him. It took him a minute to figure out the anatomy, but then he was in. It felt so good that he just had to sing.

"He's under me!
He's under me-eee!
Baby, it's better
When it's little wetter
Take it from meee!"

Mer-Ianto took up the song as Jack stroked over his fishy body.

"Boy, have you got a lot of hands!
But I've got a hot crustacean band."

And he took out a small cockring made from two crabs gripping each other's claws and slid it over his fish cock.

"Oh, that is hot!" Jack cried and came.

Mer-Ianto finished the song as he stroked himself off.

"I know you can fuck,
But you're out of luck.
Next time, you're under meeee!"

And as they caught their breath, Jack thought, Best. Retirement. EVER.



( 13 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 1st, 2009 01:41 am (UTC)
That is cracktastic!
Nov. 2nd, 2009 03:38 am (UTC)
*lol* thanks, dear!
Nov. 1st, 2009 03:11 am (UTC)
This is AWESOME.

I think we should all demand fic from you more often.

Mer-Ianto. MER-IANTO. In a seashell waistcoat, omg. *dies*
Nov. 2nd, 2009 03:38 am (UTC)
*LOL* glad i could entertain, darling. ;D
Nov. 1st, 2009 05:42 am (UTC)
I should have known better than to demand such a fic from you. I like how Jack and the Mer-Ianto get right down to business. After he figures out the anatomy, of course.

Good show, doll.
Nov. 2nd, 2009 03:37 am (UTC)
thanks, babe. ;D
Nov. 1st, 2009 11:18 am (UTC)

I keep saying "Mer-Ianto" as "Merianto", almost like "Meriadoc". Ooh, you should do Meriadoc and Captain Jack nexts! XDDDDDD
Nov. 2nd, 2009 03:37 am (UTC)
Nov. 1st, 2009 02:26 pm (UTC)
OH HOLY JESUS XD XD I think I pulled a LOL muscle.

Nov. 2nd, 2009 03:37 am (UTC)
*LOLOLOL* i think that was my favorite part. ;P
Nov. 1st, 2009 05:46 pm (UTC)
LOL! You really need to write crack! more often. *wipes away tears of laughter*
Nov. 2nd, 2009 03:36 am (UTC)
*lol* with a prompt like the one storyfan gave me, how could i not come up with something good? ;P
Nov. 5th, 2012 03:06 pm (UTC)
If you're still out there, this is hands-down the silliest thing I've read in ages!! It's just too funny!!! Have you ever thought about expanding on it???? I'd love to read it if you do!!!
( 13 comments — Leave a comment )