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omg, i'm going to hell. well, more than usual. i told shaun about the pr0nmas cards i was writing when i stayed with him and aaron for my birthday, and he made a request of his own. he actually wanted some prisonbreak fic, but i don't watch that show... so, instead, he gets stewbert. (colwart? eh.) this is probably the crackiest thing i've ever written. i'm so proud. *wipes a little tear*

Fair Trade
Pairing: jon stewart/stephen colbert (god help me)
Rating: r
Summary: dear god, don't make me summarize this shit.
Warning: don't drink anything before reading. and you should probably wait an hour after eating.
Disclaimer: i so don't know or own jon stewart or stephen colbert. they are not actually gay and none of this ever happened.
A/N: for shaun. i know it's a little late for chrischanukahmas, but maybe it'll start your new year off right! ;D

The clicking of fingers on a keyboard stopped and Jon looked up to see what had halted the typing. Stephen sat across from him, head in his hands. Jon sat back in his chair, a frown on his face, and locked his hands behind his head. "Problem?" he asked.

Stephen sighed and whipped off his glasses. Throwing them down onto the desk, he rubbed at his tired eyes then loosened his tie until he could whip that off, as well. "It's been a long night, and I can't think of anything to rhyme with 'liberal whore.'"

"'Conjugal bore'?" Jon immediately replied with a smirk.

Stephen raised one eyebrow and stared for a moment. Finally, he chuckled and his fingers flew over the keyboard again briefly. "Close enough." Finished, he closed his laptop and stretched. "Enough for one day, eh?" he asked. "Saving the American public from godless hordes takes a lot out of you."

"Yeah," Jon answered, laughing and stretching, as well. He motioned to the box of cold, left-over pizza from hours before. "You wanna take this home?" He flipped open the lid and saw there were only two pieces left. "Or we could just finish it off. Save the trouble."

As one, they reached into the box, hands meeting as they both tried to pick up the same piece. Their eyes met, embarrassed half-smiles on their faces. Stephen dropped his eyes to where their hands still touched, then cleared his throat loudly. "I--" He drew back his hand, but Jon reached out and grasped his fingers.

"Stephen, I..." Jon trailed off, unsure what he wanted to say next. He gripped Stephen's hand tighter and took a deep breath. "I don't know how to say this, exactly. It's been a long time coming, though. I --"

"You want a free sample of Stephen Colbert's Formula 409, right from the source."

Jon's eyes flew up in shock. He met Stephen's and saw mirth there but love, as well. "I guess you could say that," he said, trying to hide the smile that was threatening to take over his face.

"Well, I can't blame you, Jon. It's premium stuff and in high demand." Stephen turned his hand in Jon's grasp and linked his fingers with the other man's. "But just because you're my friend doesn't mean you get any freebies."

Hesitating, Jon asked, "Oh no?"

Stephen raised one eyebrow to make himself look stern and intimidating, though he knew that never worked on Jon. "No. You have to pay for it, just like everyone else. This is America, Jon, not some Socialist free-love hippie commune." He tugged on the hand he still held, pulling Jon around the side of the desk. The chair's wheels squeaked loudly as Jon slid in front of Stephen, their knees almost touching.

Putting on a serious face, Jon asked, "No free love, huh? Well, in that case, what would it cost me to get a... sample of your... special formula?" He squeezed Stephen's hand and leaned forward, placing his free hand on the other man's thigh, and almost broke character to grin when Stephen inhaled sharply.

Leaning forward, as well, Stephen brought their faces within inches of each other. "Perhaps a donation to the Stephen and Melinda Gates charity would be enough. We accept all major credit cards and Paypal transactions. Or perhaps we could work out some kind of exchange, my manseed for yours. It's of a lesser value, of course, but if I were to get more, I think that would be a fair transaction...."

Jon smiled at the joke but also because he could feel the breath against his own lips as Stephen chuckled. He closed his eyes and leaned a fraction further into Stephen's personal space, wanting to feel that breath closer. He heard Stephen sight quietly and opened his eyes again, riveted to the sight of Stephen's tongue as it came out to lick his lips. "That sounds fair. I wouldn't want capitalism to fall because of my own... selfish... wants...."

He raised his eyes to meet the other man's intense gaze. They stared at each other for a long moment, unmoving, until they broke into simultaneous giggles. Bodies shaking with the laughter, they reached for each other, hands pulling on jackets until their chairs were as close as they could get. Reaching out, Stephen laid a hand on the side of Jon's face, and then they were kissing, the laughter fading as their mouths opened and became busy with other activities.

Moaning soon became the activity of choice, as Jon stood and pulled Stephen to his feet. He jerked him in close to his body for another long, deep kiss, before shoving him back and onto the edge of the desk. He crowded him with his body, parting Stephen's knees with his thigh and bringing their groins together. Stephen gasped and wrapped his legs around the back of Jon's knees. Pulling on his tie, Stephen brought Jon's face down to his for more kisses.

Groaning, Jon pushed the other man back even further, until Stephen lay across the desk, whimpering and arching his body into Jon's. "Oh, fuck yeah," Jon breathed, sending his hands down between their bodies to fumble with buttons and zippers. Soon, he had them both exposed and in one of his large hands.

"God!" Stephen cried out at the feel of Jon's fingers around his shaft. "Jon, do it," he pleaded.

"Yeah, yeah," Jon replied, beginning to stroke them both. He supported his weight with one hand planted near Stephen's head and leaned down to capture Stephen's lips with his own once again. He nibbled there briefly before moving on to gently bite his way down the other man's jawline. "Stephen, Stephen," he chanted, stroking them both faster and faster.

Stephen responded with loud exclamations of "oh! oh!" He wove his hands into Jon's graying hair and directed his mouth to the sensitive spot just beside his adam's apple. Jon latched on there and sucked, and Stephen's back arched with the pleasure. "Oh, Jon!" he cried. "If you want it... it's coming!"

Quick as could be, Jon dislodged Stephen's hands from his hair and slid down his body until he could take the head of Stephen's cock into his mouth. He slid down the shaft, moaning at the unfamiliar feel of hard flesh against his tongue. The vibrations were all Stephen needed, and he was coming, suddenly and in great amounts. "God, Jon!" he yelled, filling Jon's mouth with his special formula.

The taste was only a little unpleasant, and Jon swallowed quickly to clear his mouth. He let Stephen fall from his mouth with one last lick across the head, then stood, his hand working himself quickly toward orgasm. "Oh, Stephen..." he gasped. "I... I'm gonna...."

Before Jon could come, Stephen was pushing him back and sitting up. He gracefully slipped off the table and fell to his knees. "Come on," he whispered, tugging Jon closer by his belt loops. Jon shuffled forward, and Stephen opened his mouth, taking him down his throat easily.

It only took a few thrusts into Stephen's hot, wet, and tight mouth and Jon was coming, one hand tight in Stephen's hair, the other in his mouth to stifle the scream of pleasure.

The rush faded slowly, leaving the two men panting and kneeling on the cold floor, pants open and grinning stupidly at each other. Jon came to his senses first. He tucked himself away and fastened his pants, still grinning widely. "Well, I think that qualifies as a successful transaction, don't you?"

Stephen laughed breathlessly. "I don't know. My seed is incredibly valuable. I think I may need more of yours to call us even." He drew Jon to himself for another deep, wet kiss.

"I think I can handle that," Jon said with a smile when Stephen released him. "Let's get out of here."

They stood on shaky legs and made themselves presentable. On the way out of the office, Stephen grabbed the nearly empty pizza box. "Here," he said, handing it to Jon. "Finish this off on the way home. You're going to need the energy." Jon took it and giggled and Stephen led him out of the room by his tie.



( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 31st, 2006 06:44 am (UTC)
The world needs more crack of this variety. I've had a rather shitty day, but at this line:

"You want a free sample of Stephen Colbert's Formula 409, right from the source."

I had to laugh out loud. Also, the way you kept referring to it as a "special formula" made me laugh like hell.

And Jon giggling at the end? *melts*
Jan. 1st, 2007 12:27 am (UTC)
heeheehee! i'm so glad i could make you laugh when you were having a shitty day. *hugs*

i love jon giggling. the man is such a 12-year-old girl. ♥ him.
Dec. 31st, 2006 02:25 pm (UTC)
That was marvellous:

"God, Jon!" he yelled, filling Jon's mouth with his special formula.

That made me laugh just ridiculously.

By the way, got your card today...thankee. I've got something to send to you...but I may just have missed Christmas slightly... I do this every year, I start well and then it just...fades.

So let's call it a belated New Years gift or something..or, if either us were Islamic, it could be Islamic New Years which is the 20th of January, I think...can you tell I may have used that excuse before? Just to be really snotty, I think it's called Al-Hajira..something like that? Or is that the TV station...shall I stop waffling now?
Jan. 1st, 2007 12:11 am (UTC)
heeheehee! thanks! i giggled the entire time i was writing that.

yay! i'm glad you got the card. i'm horrible at getting things done on time, too. i guess posting a christmas story a week late is evidence enough of that, huh? *lol* but, hey, islamic new year works for me. i've been looking for a reason to celebrate that. ;P

man, i totally need a jon/stephen icon.
Jun. 6th, 2008 09:26 pm (UTC)
I have no clue who these two are but it made me laugh.
Jun. 7th, 2008 04:24 am (UTC)

stephen on the left, jon on the right. stephen hosts the colbert report and jon hosts the daily show. both are mock news programs on comedy central. i love these guys so hard. :D
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )